Stupid Animals Vol.1 – Jerkface Pandas

I love animals. A lot. Not like in a weird sexual way, but in a more of a companion way. Snakes, Birds, Dogs, it doesn’t really matter what they are, I love all animals. Well not all animals… Some I hate. Here are some of the animals that are stupid jerks.

I know. I am bringing the big guns out early. But there is no animal I hate more… than the Panda. Yes, the Ailuropoda melanoleuca or The Giant Panda is my greatest enemy. Coming in at 5 feet tall and up to 330 pounds, pandas aren't something to take lightly. Heh. Pandas are the lamest bear period. They are like that fat kid on your basketball team who is overly enthusiastic. Here is why the Panda is barely a bear. No puns please.

1.  They don’t like to fuck: literally the least social of all bears, they don’t like hanging out with the guys, or hittin’ up chicks. That’s why their population is in steady decline. They are all probably closeted gays… Not that there is anything wrong with that.

2.  They are Vegetarians: Although the rest of the Ursidae family is carnivorous, the panda chooses to maintain a diet of Bamboo shoots. Due to the little energy it derives from cellulose (it isn’t able to metabolize it properly) they have to consume huge amounts of bambo shoots (20-30) pounds to stay healthy. LAME!

3.  They are Monochrome: Seriously? Black and white? So original.

4.  They are non-threatening: Grizzly’s have been working their asses off killing over zealous hippy campers to make the general public fear them. But if you saw a panda in the wild, you would run up and give that bitch a hug. But no one fucks with Grizzlys. Well… almost no one.

5.  They are stupid: Literally all they gotta do is eat BBQ Ribs and fuck all day and they wouldn't be dying out. I could never love an animal who doesn’t want to do that.

Look into his eyes and know your enemy.

Until Next Time I Remain… Colorful.